transience

I'm in transit. Sometimes, when I'm by myself, I feel like a passenger at the airport who's been offloaded and told to wait in the lounge. I collect my baggage and sit down to wait for the announcement. Wondering when my flight will be announced, when I'll get on board and then fly away. I don't think of the destination just yet, it's the journey that I'm fixated on. Sometimes I feel my life is in that stage, a state of impermanence, of transience, of flux. There is no sense of immediacy, of getting up in the morning to go somewhere, of a deadline to catch. Each day has its own rhythm and I allow myself to succumb to it. Some days I am in control of it but some days I just give in. I feel like I had a life, a job, a sense of rush and then someone deplaned me. I got off the bus, and I sat down, I slowed down. And I waited. Now, I'm still waiting, not for an external announcement but for the voice in my head to tell me that it's OK to get back on the plane. To fly. I don't know where to, but it's the journey I'm interested in. It's not as if I'm completely lost, with no work to keep me busy. You know how you walk to the book store, pick up a couple of magazines to kill time, grab a coke... it's the same feeling. Killing time, passing time, bidding time, all in an attempt to concise the waiting. It's a temporary relief but it's not your calling. Your heart and mind and your ears are still tuned into another frequency. You're reading the book but half of you is elsewhere, waiting for that announcement.
A part of you knows this is a good life, you're at the lounge, you're reading, you're sipping a coke, and getting on the plane is only going to put you back into the rut, the same old mundane routine but you crave it somewhere deep inside. It's a part of who you are. You know your baggage just got a bit heavier but does that mean you leave the old bag behind?
You aren't even sure of what you're trying to say any more. Or what you're thinking. It's not just about the work. It's as if you've reached a point where everything is running in slow motion. Like a Hindi film you were watching at the airport lounge just froze on the telly. With no attempt to defreeze.
You feel you're in the chiller. You need to take no decision whatsoever. You will neither freeze nor remain the fridge temp, you will stay in this half freeze mode, subject to the vagaries of the electricity department.
Even your analogies are lame, at best. Time to switch off.